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Joke of the Day

"[Date Night] I poured us a bubble bath. Him: *sigh* is it Sprite again? *sipping seductively from tub with a krazy straw*: Just get in."

"A magic tractor turns into a field... ...think about it..."

"Wanna hear a joke The UN"

"If you murder a dude and feel guilty just tell his family ""sorry"" and if they can't get over it after that then who are the monsters really"

"Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom. Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider."

"How many indie bands does it take to change a light bulb? Eh, it's some number you've probably never heard of."

"I'm trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he's pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit."

"I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but alas, no potato. :("

"How does the astronaut cut his hair? Eclipse"

"Don't bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible."