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Joke of the Day

"I live in constant fear of accidentally mentioning something I only know about you because I've stalked you on the internet."

"If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents."

"I just completed a one month long diet... And all I lost was 30 days."

"I like my women how I like my lightbulbs... ...not too bright, easy to turn on, and hanging in my basement by a wire."

"[shower song] Im all outta Dove Im soapless without you I'll never get clean Now that you are all gone *grabs shampoo mic* IM ALL OUTTA DOVE"

"How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it."

"I just want to be one of those dads who runs on the field & tackles an opposing 6 year old"

"[at wine tasting] Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone. ""Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine"" Strong smokey undertone"

"A pirate walks into the bar with a steering wheel in his pants... The bartender says ""hey, you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?"" the pirate responds ""ARGH! it drives me nuts!"""

"Mall cop wasn't going to let me park in the handicapped space. Then I showed him pictures of me dancing."