180971

Joke of the Day

"Did you say that you need to go see a psychiatrist? That's crazy!"

"1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly* Me: Why is she so loud? Wife: That's how she talks. Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl."

"I wish I had taught my dog the command ""Taylor Swift"" so every time it snowed he would just ""Shake It Off."""

"What is the difference between my car and Whitney Houston? My car can hit 50."

"What do you call a Soviet ruler dancing on a cracker? Putin on the Ritz. *ba-dum tsh*"

"Never tip a cow more than 15%."

"Where did Jessica go after the explosion? Everywhere"

"High school plays are a lot like airplanes. People only want to hear about them if they crash and burn."

"What's the difference between a nicely dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle? [x-post from r/bicycling] Attire"

"What do you get when you combine human DNA with a goats? kicked out of the petting zoo..."