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Joke of the Day

"Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people."

"Illegal eavesdropping The Patriot Act Section 215 has expired. The NSA will now stop illegally eavesdropping!"

"You go for a run then post your route to Facebook. I dig a hole on that route then cover it with sticks and leaves. We both get exercise."

"[at dentist] so your X-rays look grea- *phone rings* hold on *on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok so as I was saying you have several cavities"

"Today marks 5 yrs of being smoke free!! Now I spend my time finding new places to hide the bodies of those who've pissed me off!"

"What's black, white, red, and has trouble going through a revolving door? A nun with a spear through her head."

"My wife asked me where I would like to be buried....... Apparently, "" Balls deep in your sister "" wasn't the anewer she was expecting."

"A mountain was next to another mountain.. An earthquake happens and one of the mountains say.. ""It wasn't my fault!"" credit to my awesome science teacher"

"My neighbours probably think I'm getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off."

"A blind guy walks into a bar ... then a stool, then a chair..."