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Joke of the Day

"Him: Are you on your way? Me: Yes, this cab driver sucks! *changes outfit for the 6th time, gulps wine and requests an uber*"

"Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can't remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law."

"What do you call a reptiloid that crashed landed its spaceship? Imsosaurus!"

"Why do christians avoid trigonometry ? because there is alot of sin going on."

"What kind of music does a mummy like? (W)rap music!"

"Autocorrect just changed ""carnie"" to ""catnip"" and now all my friends think I slept with a bunch of catnips last night."

"Protestants sing every verse to every hymn. Catholics know this. We think about it when we get to the bakery 20 minutes ahead of you."

"Together, I can beat schizophrenia."

"What's the best thing about being born on 9/11/99? You had the two biggest candles on your second birthday."

"""I heard you have unlimited breadsticks?"" Sure do, table for 1? ""Quack!"" Wait a second *trench coat falls, family of ducks run away*"