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Joke of the Day

"Dudes that only Retweet chicks: Your mom just called. Down to the basement. Come upstairs. Your dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets are ready."

"Have you ever heard someone honking so aggressively & for so long that you're like ""this was never about the traffic, was it, buddy?"""

"How many feminists does is it take to change a lightbulb? None, they have a glass ceiling instead."

"I'm so embarrassed! My wife caught me measuring my cock! It reached just to the back of her sister's throat."

"I tink Therefore I am Irish."

"Do they have rehabilitation services for people who are addicted to Kaopectate? Because this shit needs to stop."

"[shark tank] ""Hi, what's your product idea?"" Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I'm here to see the tank of sh-... I've made a mistake"

"""If you film it, they will cum."" That's the tagline for my new baseball porno, Field of Creams. Based on the life of Hoeless Joe."

"Computers and my spouse are very similar in some ways. If ever there is something wrong, it's probably my fault."

"I want to tattoo ""platform 9 and 3/4"" over my ass 'cause you wouldn't think you'd get in there but you can Edit:words"