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Joke of the Day
"My therapist thinks I have a drug problem. My dealer says she's overreacting."
Next Joke
"I've heard like eight cancer jokes today... If I hear another one it's gonna benign"
"Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass."
"95% of every relationship is navigating the question ""Where should we eat?"" without it turning into World War III."
"Sometimes I end up watching cartoons after my kids have left the room. On a related note, has anyone seen my kids?"
"Why do Communist Dictators have trouble getting their work done on time? They're way too into Stalin"
"Me: ""Hey Siri, I nee-..."" Siri: ""Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend."""
"My buddy just came over with his eyebrows waxed... The light had them shining so much it looked like both of his eyes just came up with the best idea."
"Sometimes I'll just go ""liking"" some shit on the Internet and I honestly don't even know if I really mean it."
"Men are like curling irons. They're always hot and they're always in your hair."