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Joke of the Day

"What do you give an injured alligator? Gatorade"

"When I refer to kids as ""Snot-dripping, germ-spreading spawns of Satan"" I hope you realize I'm not referring specifically to YOUR children."

"I just want to give a shoutout to the ancients for inventing the calendar. It has made my day."

"If these walls could talk I'd fuckin' move out immediately."

"I'm starting to hate the U.S. government The NSA appears to be the only department which listens"

"People can't drive. Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights. What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??"

"How many 'sah dudes does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it's already lit."

"""I'd hit that."" Clearly what my head thinks about cupboard doors and other hard surfaces when I least expect it."

"What did the fertilizer say to the grass? I'm the shit."

"I wipe my ass like I drive... Only stop on red"