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Joke of the Day

"[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper."

"You know you've overplayed Mario Kart 64 when the next morning you Instinctively swerve to avoid a banana skin on the road."

"The first time I had sex I cried I don't know whether it was the physical contact, emotional connection, or pepper spray but any way I teared up."

"I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year... Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too."

"I swear I only have sex standing up.. I'm not fucking laying!"

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"What do riding a bike and playing basketball have in common? If you're not careful, you can pop a ball."

"What do you call street entertainers from the spirit world? Ghost Buskers"

"""I have found our arguments quite useful - almost as useful as those I had with my father."" - Spock and the guy I end up marrying."

"What do you call a 5 year old with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor."