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Joke of the Day

"[graduation] ...and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear* [crowd cries] *dad walks in holding starbucks* ""traffic, my bad"""

"What is the difference between Iron man and Iron woman? Iron man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command."

"""They say there's no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!"" -- me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors"

"Damn you Jehovah's, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I'll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We'll see who converts who"

"A girl walks into McDonald's and she sees a cute cashier. She goes up to order and asks for a Hot 'n Spicy McDickin."

"Two gallons of milk sat within a fridge One was spoiled and the other was chocolate. Where did the spoiled milk sit? On the top shelf. Where did the chocolate milk sit? In the back."

"What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!"

"After all these years, Bono 'still hasn't found what he's looking for'. Perhaps he might have more luck if he took those stupid sunglasses off..."

"The Pillsbury Doughboy... Another sad case of battered man syndrome."

"Q. How do you get down from an aerial ladder? A. You don't get down from an aerial ladder. You get down from a duck."