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Joke of the Day

"What do you get when you cross an octopus and a Mexican? I don't know but it can pick the shit out of some lettuce."

"I've been teaching myself giutar I still get the U and I mixed up sometimes but I'm getting pretty good.."

"So apparently when a woman asks what you're looking for in a relationship, ""a way out"" isn't the right answer."

"What replaces Steam, the gaming platform, in China? Pollution."

"*Approaches a guy reading ""Catch Me If You Can""* I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin' cans."

"I hate church I hated church when I was a child, with all the standing and kneeling and sitting. I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me."

"*speed dating* I'm a competitive eater! Date: Are you any good? [grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask"

"It doesn't matter how hard you think you are. When a toddler hands you their ringing toy cell phone, you'll still answer it."

"Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten gagged whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law."

"TIL there are 45000 breatharians in the U.S. 44999, # 44998..."