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Joke of the Day

"Let's get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid's birthday party where everyone coughs."

"I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens."

"What does Frankenstein's monster call a screwdriver? Daddy."

"Y'all tweet like you don't know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you."

"What's a monster's favorite bean? A human bean. "

"I had to do my nightly chores twice today Thanks daylight savings!"

"If you see a kid who's physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they've never noticed and will thank you."

"Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type ""scorned"" and having it autocorrected to ""scrotum"" 13 times in a row."

"Donald Trump has written a lot of books about business... They all end at chapter 11. Nice one Hillary!!"

"I made you brownies Me - I made you apology brownies. Her - Oh... I don't like chocolate. Me - I know, I'm not that sorry."