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Joke of the Day

"ME: Pet it OPTIMUS PRIME: But I'm afraid of it ME: It's just a dog OP: Oh..ok [reaches out] DOG: [sneezes] OP: [transforms into large truck]"

"13 Hours Why did Hilary Clinton not go watch the movie 13 hours? She already slept through it once. Edit: sleep to slept"

"I never realized how overweight my thumbs were until I tried typing on an iPhone."

"Why couldn't the FBI find Sepp Blatter's bribe money? He used it all to bribe Canada to host the Women's World Cup."

"my dogs in jail.. for watching kitty porn"

"What's pretty and expensive but has no use? Leonardo DiCaprio's Oscar shelf."

"Today's the 3rd anniversary of my joining Twitter. Also the 3rd anniversary of the last time I spoke to my family or read a book."

"An original joke about Mathew and Not-Mathew. Me:Mathew and Not-Mathew were on a boat. Mathew fell off the boat. Who was left? You:Not-Mathew. Me:Yeah Mathew was the one who fell out. Idiot."

"When you go to the dentist, Reddit... Don't cheetohn your diet!"

"It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. Because they always take things literally."