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Joke of the Day

"How many guys in the Friendzone does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just stand around complimenting it then get pissed when it doesn't screw."

"I never knew I was allergic to iron... Because after hitting the weights I get swollen."

"What was used to grow crops on Mars in the movie Martian? Good Shit"

"My father once told me, ""Son, you're not an African't American, You're an African American't."" Just kidding. I'm black. I don't have a father."

"I have CDO. It's like OCD, except the letters are all arranged in flawless, perfect alphabetical order... AS THEY SHOULD BE."

"*emergency room* NURSE: ""we're losing him!"" DOCTOR [pouring like a lot of buckets of ice water on his head]: ""IM WORKING AS FAST AS I CAN"""

"What vegetable parties the hardest? A Turnip."

"The world is a dangerous place. Just the other day, I was walking down the street and I punched a guy in the face for absolutely no reason. Stay safe out there, folks."

"""Five year plan?"" [shuffles papers] ...written down here somewhere ... Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper"

"In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I'm right."