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Joke of the Day

"""Five year plan?"" [shuffles papers] ...written down here somewhere ... Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper"

"Back in my day, we didn't have iPads. If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up."

"Still haven't cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different"

"Hey, bus driver... Would you stop and let me and my friend, Jack off?"

"A Girl To Doctor: When I Smoke Cigarette, I Feel Very Uncomfortable, On First Puff, I Put Off My Shoes. On Second, My Socks. On Third, My Shirt. Doctor: Take This Cigarette And Tell Me In Detail."

"Why was the one y.o. Ethiopian child crying? Because he was having his mid-life crisis."

"I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family My wife freaked the fuck out"

"TIL It's not possible to yawn while wearing earphones"

"My dog and I have two things in common: We like burying our bones in other peoples backyards and fleas :-("

"Who's the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?"