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Joke of the Day

"When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don't open your heart."

"I tried to get my mom to switch from AMD to Intel... ...but I couldn't Celeron it."

"""I really wish you'd post more 4sq checkins & tumblr links"" -no one on Twitter ever"

"If you've ever written an uppercase ""L"", you've drawn 1/4 of a swastika. Way to go, racist!"

"my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner"

"Despite it being close to Christmas, I'm still on my Summer diet... ...I'll have summer that, summer that, and summer that."

"""do u have twitter"" ""SORRY I CAN'T HEAR U!! UR BREAKING UP"" *makes fake static noises* ""we're not even on the pho-"" *jumps out of window*"

"I hate bikes that carry two people. I can't tandem."

"Did you hear the one about Dorian Gray's stool sample? That shit NEVER gets old."

"TIL: Roofing in the Summer heat can be dangerous WARNING: HOT SHINGLES IN YOUR AREA"