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Joke of the Day

"When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don't open your heart."

"My wife and I have an ongoing game called ""Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House"" that she doesn't know we are playing"

"I found a 1,700 yard rock the other day.... It was a real milestone."

"Microsoft has realized that all their products get better PR by naming it after Halo mythology. I'm expecting the next Windows version to be Windows 117."

"BEN CARSON'S WIFE: Are you coming home for dinner BEN CARSON: Go to ben carson dot com and read my plan to come home for dinner"

"Wanna measure the coefficient of static friction between us?"

"At Toys R Us: TRU: Yessir? Me: I want a light saber. TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your grandson? Me: 40ish"

"Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9."

"St. Patrick's Day may just be an excuse to drink, but then again so is Ireland."

"If you stop water with a dam... ...do you stop holy water with a goddamn? If you psychically stop holy water for a living, can you mind your own goddamn business? -&y (Yes i wrote that myself)"