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Joke of the Day

"Being engaged Daddy what does being engaged mean? Son It's like getting a bike for Christmas but not being able to ride it til Easter."

"There's a spider that's been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he's essentially also watching Shrek."

"u can't pet a goldfish without taking it out of the water & even then it's not that satisfying for either party"

"What do you get when you cross reddit and a weekend? No new messages."

"I had a debate with myself about masturbation... ... On one hand it's feels good. And on the other it feels great!"

"Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She didn't wear a seatbelt."

"What advice to cows give? Turn the udder cheek and mooooove on!"

"If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It's SET THEM FREE isn't it? Sorry burning loved one."

"You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him."

"My fiance asked me what I thought about having kids. I told her that I love children, I just can't bear them!"