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Joke of the Day

"Oh, you left me a voicemail? Next time just tape a note to the door of the apartment I moved out of six years ago."

"What's the difference between a doctor and a chair salesman? The chair salesman gives YOU a stool sample."

"My wife hit me in the face with a frying pan and yelled, ""That's for all the cheating!"" She has a weird way of apologising."

"Did you hear about the new strain of bird flu? Chirpees... a canarial disease... un-tweetable."

"I can love my son and refuse to support his lifestyle... I raised him better than to game on a console."

"How are your step mother and a 17 in the card game 21 similar? You know you can't but you really want to hit it."

"Have you heard the one about the three bodies of water in Texas? Well, well, well..."

"Neil deGrasse Tyson walks into a bar. Everyone leaves. ""EVERYONE?"" he chuckles to himself. ""7.4 billion humans couldn't fit in this space."""

"*juror stands up to read verdict* ""we find the defendant v handsome and think that he looks great in the grey muscle vest he wore on Monday"""

"How does a streetwalker sing and give bj-s at the same time? She takes off her glass eye"