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Joke of the Day
"I've just been diagnosed with paranoia and constipation. I'm scared shitless."
Next Joke
"A guy walks into a bar. He sees a pirate with a steering wheel in his pants. The guy asks ""Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"". The pirate says ""I don't know but its driving me nuts!""."
"What's the difference between a jazz guitarist and a rock guitarist? A rock guitarist plays 10 chords for 50,000 people, and a jazz guitarist plays 50,000 chords for 10 people."
"My work ethic could best be described as ""procrastinate as much as possible then frantically scream OH FUCK right before the deadline."""
"The good news is, I found my phone charger in my bed while I was vacuuming my sheets. The bad news is, you read that 2nd part correctly."
"I can sum up 2016 in one word... Nine."
"Seafaring language makes me uncomfortable, so no, I would not like a chips ahoy cookie or any other maritime treats, thank you."
"Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend"
"What do africans wear on their heads? Ebowla hats"
"Just once, I'd like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt."