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Joke of the Day

"[Me]: *slams fork & knife down on table* Not cool, babe. [Wife]: You didn't honestly think there'd be weed in your pot pie, did you?"

"My friends & I were taking shots every time Trump interrupted Clinton. My BFF Chad is dead :("

"The most terrifying question a woman can ask a man is: Notice anything different?"

"Lost 200 pounds. Here's my story. British prostitutes are *expensive.*"

"It's adorable how I write ""beer"" on my shopping list like I'd somehow forget."

"It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii"

"First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo'lik et ven yo'shoulla puh a wring owh it."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Craig ! Craig who ? Craig in the wall !"

"The Energizer bunny is dead... Someone put the batteries in backwards and he died of sexual exhaustion."

"The time traveler was still hungry after his meal... So he went back four seconds."