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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it."

"Never forget. Never forget that Americans can't even get the date the right way around. Sincerely the rest of the world on 9/11."

"real men.. [twitches uncontrollably] don't hi- [""real man"" skin suit falls off revealing fake man who was the one doing bad stuff all along]"

"Two cows standing in a field... One cow looks at the other and says ""Moo"", the other cow says ""Fuck I was just about to say that""."

"My parents are super religious.... At night all I can hear is ""Oh god! Oh god! Jesus!"""

"I did some research to study if women like to use soap or body wash when they shower. 100% of them didn't like me watching them while they bathed."

"I literally use figuratively in literally every occasion where I am literally speaking figuratively."

"I just read the biography of the guy who invented Super Mario Bros. Did you know that when he was a kid people used to laugh at him when he would kill turtles with a hammer?"

"When a movie says ""Based on a true story."" it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people."