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Joke of the Day

"People tell you to make yourself at home but then look confused when you drink their liquor and take a nap in the kitchen"

"I changed my iPod's name to ""The Titanic"". It's synching."

"I baby-proofed my apartment but they keep getting in."

"An older gentlemen wins a scratch ticket Win for life"

"My favorite part of church is when they pass around free money."

"I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn't. So I gave it mouth to mouth."

"You know what kills me? Weapons."

"My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she'd pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma."

"I see a border patrol car drive by... So I ask my mexican co-woker if he has his visa. He looks at me cofused for a minute then says ""no no I only have debit card"" (true story)"

"My wife says her farts smell like flowers Cauliflowers maybe"