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Joke of the Day

"I wanna get Transitions Lens LASIK surgery, so that when I'm out in the sun my eyes go black and children will run away from me."

"What is the last thing on a Mosquito's mind when it hits a car windshield? It's Asshole."

"The hardest part of getting a girls phone number is working up the courage to go through her trash and get it."

"Much like #Skynet, the dirty dishes in my sink have achieved self awareness."

"At a live orchestra, and lightening strikes, who gets hit first? The Conductor"

"There's currently a thin shell of space, hurtling through the solar system at 67,000 mile per hour, in which boners must be blurred. ""Japan"""

"My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes. I told her to lighten up."

"what did one bruise say to the other? Have a swell day"

"[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU'RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN..."

"What do you call a fart in the middle of the night? What do you call a fart in the mourning? A midnight snack A hot Breakfast"