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Joke of the Day

"I think you can all settle down. Its unlikely Instagram will ever find buyers for photos of 20 000 feet and a billion sunsets."

"Wanna hear a Nirvana joke? Nevermind."

"I'm going to open up an opticians that also sells jewellery and handbags It'll be called Assess your eyes."

"my girlfriend called me a pedophile after sex last night... ...and i said,""well that's a big word for an eight year-old."""

"What's the difference between a shi-tzu and a community organizer? Zu."

"I like NPR because you always know how much saliva is inside every announcer's mouth at all times."

"My wife got in the shower with me this morning. She said ""Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me"". So I put shampoo in her eyes."

"How do you kill a vegan? A steak through their heart."

"I got banned from the hardware store Every time I walk in, all the stud finders start beeping."

"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you happy to see me? Both! Now get in the fucking van."