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Joke of the Day

"my girlfriend called me a pedophile after sex last night... ...and i said,""well that's a big word for an eight year-old."""

"[first day of work as a 911 operator] ""Hello, 911"" Hi someone's trying to break into my house ""holy shit call 911"""

"They say you should never run when you stumble across a lion in the wild. I don't think I'll be able to run with all the shit in my pants."

"did you hear about the freak birth at chernobil? a baby was born with more eyes than teeth"

"What do you call a cow in a Russian forest? A moss-cow. Alternative answer: dead."

"I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is."

"There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win."

"Justin Bieber was ""Baptized"" last night.... Or as the church likes to call it... ""A failed attempt to drown Bieber"""

"My hangover has been going on for so long that I'm beginning to wonder if Peter Jackson directed it."

"Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends"