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Joke of the Day

"I've never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn't swish it around."

"It was a good decision to remove all the mirrors from my car I haven't looked back since."

"Word of the day: exhaustipated. Too tired to give a shit."

"[touching face upon receiving compliment] Glad you like it. But, it's not a teardrop tattoo. It's an Oxford comma."

"Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1."

"I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold."

"What do you call a Russian ninja? Shneakoff ( I apologise, this is my first ever post so I'm using that as my excuse)"

"I emailed Hillary that to secure a win, she had to pick Bernie as VP. I guess she deleted it."

"Isn't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don't know what ironic means."

"Soap addiction I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now!!"