220293

Joke of the Day

"I emailed Hillary that to secure a win, she had to pick Bernie as VP. I guess she deleted it."

"Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don't enjoy them. Plz understa"

"Her: What's your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom? Me: Showering is optional Her: HAHAHA, be serious. Me: Ok, no drug tests."

"It's annoying how mirrors are always all like, ""Hey, c'mere. I wanna show you something gross about you."""

"How did they get John McAfee out of Guatemala? McAfee Removal Tool"

"Wife: Did you get eggs? Me: pew pew Wife: Great lasers, so did you? Me: pew pew pew pew pee Wife: Why me god. Me: *barrel roll* pew pew"

"Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook. I know that now."

"Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they were veloco*raptured*."

"I bought some shoes of a drug dealer today I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day!"

"Growing up, I had a best friend. When we first met we didn't see eye to eye, but then he grew on me."