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Joke of the Day

"ME: did it hurt GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u"

"Go piss on a friend. They may have been stung by a jellyfish & are too embarrassed to ask for help. You'll be a hero."

"[doorbell] 4: *opens door Hi, is your mom home? 4: she's in the tower mom: whispers from behind door ""no no no it's SHOWER not tower!"""

"Man: ""If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?"" Priest: ""No, not if you did not know."" Man: ""Then why did you tell me?"""

"Your house is too dirty if you see bugs with little suitcases leaving it."

"Hey Verizon, here's an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends."

"review of outside: too many other people, bugs will attack you randomly, pizza only available in certain areas 0/5 would not recommend"

"Thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap. Dirty bastards."

"Set a man a fire and he'll stay warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life."

"What's do you call it when you let your penis make all of the decisions? ...a dicktatorship. My girlfriend thought of this stinker this morning."