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Joke of the Day

"People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I'm being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta."

"I wanted a painting that wouldn't get boring so I painted a mirror."

"How do you piss off 2 feminazis? Put them in a room with each other"

"How do you jerk off a sprinter? Pull a fast one."

"friend gave me an inhaler my friend was dying on the floor and he gave me an inhaler, guess he wanted to give something for me to remember him. weird."

"Women never listen properly Wife: I lost my keys Man: Its in your jeans Wife: Dont drag my family into this."

"Q: What wobbles as it flies? A: A jelly-copter."

"[gets pulled over] cop: ""sir, do you know how fast you were going?"" [i've swapped places with the dog] me: ""answer the man"""

"What did the snowman order at MacDonalds ? Icerbergers with chilli sauce !"

"How come when someone says ""we need to talk"" it's never about ice cream or Star Wars?"