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Joke of the Day

"I don't drink anymore... ...I don't drink any less either."

"Somebody told me that rum and coke wasn't the answer to my problems. I told them that it might not be the answer, but it was certainly a solution."

"I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods"

"Have you heard the rumor going around about butter? Never mind. I shouldn't spread it."

"It's the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you're hit by a Smart car."

"HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON THE BUS: Look longingly out the window and remark, ""Such a shame this is all just gonna burn."""

"*wife walks in* *sees cheese balls everywhere* *shakes head* ""what? 8 won't get better at catching food in his mouth if we don't practice"""

"What the hell Hollywood? I've never had to rub blood between my fingers to know that it's blood."

"The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered."

"What do you call a group of men with flat butts? Assless Chaps"