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Joke of the Day

"I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort....I'm just kidding. I don't care."

"I like to point at pregnant women's bellies and ask ""makin a baby, huh?"". Then point to mine and say ""got some poop brewin over here""."

"Catch 22: I bought a protein shake but am not strong enough to twist the cap off."

"Ever notice that a European male tourist dresses like a 7th grade girl from the suburbs? Graphic tees and Hollister jeans allllll day."

"What are your guys' best Cards Against Humanity answers?"

"How do you get a one armed Italian out of a tree? You talk to him!"

"ME: Billions of bacteria live on and inside my body INTERVIEWER: I meant tell me about yourself job-wise"

"What's the difference between an epileptic oyster and a hooker with diarrhea? You shuck the oyster between fits."

"Q: What does a PASCAL programmer say to a C programmer? A: ""Would you like fries with that?"""

"Did you hear about the new Die Hard where Willis Infiltrates a Corrupt Nunnery? ""*Bad Habits Die Hard.*"""