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Joke of the Day

"My kid was saying they wanted an Omnitrix that let him change into pokemon So am like...you want to be a ditto?"

"Judging by the size of her models, I'm guessing Victoria's Secret is lots and lots of cocaine."

"I've made too many withdrawals from the spank bank... They tell me my count is getting low."

"Hey check out this new candle I got. -Sweet. What flavor is it? I think you mean 'what scent is it?' *with a mouthful of candle wax* -What?"

"What did the car-painter say to the carpenter? ""You sound just like me!"""

"Today I saw a poor, old lady fall. My first reaction was to laugh, but then I thought ""what if I was an ant, and she fell on top of me?"" then it didn't seem so funny anymore."

"My girlfriend buys candles the same way I buy weed. She looks at the color, opens it and smells it, buys it, then lights it on fire to relax"

"If John has 100 pieces of bacon, and he eats 20, what does John have? Happiness. John has happiness."

"How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave."

"My love life."