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Joke of the Day

"MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it's just a scratch MAN: [with a cold] omg i can't breathe i think i'm dying"

"I play online Simpsons trivia games against little kids in foreign countries and I lose"

"I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds. Then I got a Twitter account, and I'm over it."

"I don't like telling clever jokes about airplanes. They just go over my head."

"Group hugs are like.... Group hugs are like a G rated orgy"

"beluga whales singing and one that cant sing lol http://youtu.be/UlJ5GhYzHIY"

"What's the worst part of having a lung transplant? Knowing that the first couple of times you cough that the phlegm isn't yours."

"Girl: I can't wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it's like to be a parent. It'll be easy. Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*"

"In honor of the Vikings/Packers game on Saturday... How can you tell if a Packers fan is mad at you? They grit their tooth at you."

"Upon request of a signature, a nurse reaches into her pocket only to find a thermometer... she exclaims, ""Some asshole's got my pen!"""