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Joke of the Day

"guard your heart, cater to no man's ego, honor your own time and your energy, don't use uber. happy 2015."

"""excuse me, (Chinese couple at the next table,) I seem to have forgotten my calculator, can I borrow your toddler?"""

"What do you call a Russian sex offender who is trying to quit smoking? A vape-ist"

"4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you? Me: Marriage is complicated. 4: Is it because you're stupid?"

"On our honeymoon, more than anything, I wanted to join the Mile High Club... ...but my wife didn't give a flying fuck"

"What should a rabbit use to keep his fur neat? A harebrush."

"(At a funeral) Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify."

"My friend cooled himself to absolute zero... he's 0K now."

"The celibate butcher is pretty successful in his occupations. Nothing beats his meat!"

"Want to know how I can see 6 years into the future? I have 2020 vision."