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Joke of the Day

"What's worse than a lobster on your piano? Crabs on your organ."

"Heard about the new game of thrones app? It's good but I heard it might CUT OFF your wifi connectivity"

"i'm the girl your mom warned you about... long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i'm reptar. i'm reptar from rugrats."

"A little bird told me that 5 Hour Energy shots can cure hangovers. Not sure I can trust a talking bird while on acid, though."

"""I love all quilts, regardless of quality."" - blanket statement"

"DOOM 4. All of the guns suck, so we made punching take forever."

"Want to know the real reason girls go to the bathroom together? The air hockey table. All our bathrooms have one."

"In Soviet Russia, The LSD take you."

"[at the pet store] Me: I'd like a baby lizard please [later at home] Me: isn't he cute? Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor"

"Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son."