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Joke of the Day

"Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet."

"You're right, strange woman giving me your opinion on having tattoos. I regret them right now because they caused you to talk to me."

"I don't care how hardcore you are. If you don't cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul."

"Why was the black man so tall? ...Because his knee grows."

"I know this gem of a procrastination joke. I'll tell you later."

"I could live in this house for a million years and still second guess which switch is for the garbage disposal every time."

"Little known fact: Mirrors are the leading cause of death among people who have looks that kill."

"My girlfriend stormed into the room. ""Why is there lipstick on your collar?"" she yelled. ""It's part of the design,"" I said, opening up my wardrobe, ""Look, I have the entire collection."""

"Last year I felt miserable and depressed, but this year I've managed to turn it around. Now I feel depressed and miserable."

"You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!"