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Joke of the Day

"it would be pretty badass if people never stopped growing and old people were like 30 feet tall. anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk"

"WIFE: He's just so distant lately ME [skywriting]: U N T R U E"

"There's one fantasy scene in 50 Shades of Grey that I'd love to be part of in real life... ...specifically, the part where the protagonist gets a job straight out of college."

"Marriage is like fruit Honeydew this, Honeydew that..."

"Amy's baking Co. Has just designed a gaming system It's called the Xbox one"

"Bowling is my favorite sport because you don't have to run and there's beer five feet away."

"Care free shrimp pasta is... Happy-go-lucky scampi."

"I opened what I thought was a can of whoop-ass, but it turned out to be Whoomp! And there it is, all over my floor."

"I found a lone sock left in the laundry room and I thought to myself, ""poor sole""."

"My wife bought me a second hand watch for my birthday... Anyway, better be going. The football starts in... 1200 seconds."