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Joke of the Day

"There are two Jehovah's Witnesses outside... They're applauding my house for some reason."

"I went into a medical shop. ""Have you got anything for irritation?"" ""Yes,"" he said, ""But where exactly?"" I said, ""Fuck knows, you tell me. It's your shop."""

"When I die, I want to pass peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa. Not screaming at the oncoming truck like the rest of us in his car."

"What did the cannibal say to his victim before they went for a long walk? You're gonna be pooped after this."

"A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex. Unfortunately, the study was conducted by Bill Cosby."

"Why are atheists so light? They have no mass."

"Waiter: Why are you taking so long to order? Diner: I can't decide whether I want heartburn or nausea."

"My Acquaintance said he'd make a better electrician than me. I told that cunt I wouldn't be too phased."

"A platypus went into a hotel owned by a duck.. ..A platypus went into a hotel owned by a duck. Platypus ate food. Duck billed platypus"

"Does putting ketchup on everything affect your credit score?"