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Joke of the Day

"[waking up as an adult] What a beautiful day. I wonder what parts of my body will hurt today"

"My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker... ...Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet."

"I made a song... in the tuna fish"

"What do you call a septic cat? pussy."

"What's John Lennon's favorite card game? Yoko Uno"

"A blonde was watching the news and saw that two Brazilian skydivers died in a horrific accident. She responds with, ""two Brazilian? Is that more than a billion?""."

"Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground."

"Right off the bat Cinderella knows she's marrying a prince with a serious foot fetish."

"What did the Englishman call the hilarious Slav? Top Vlad."

"How do you get jizz off a Scrabble board? Don't bother, that's 29 points right there."