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Joke of the Day

"BIRD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE Did you hear about the man who did it with a parakeet? He contracted chirpes. And the worst thing? It was untweetable."

"What do you do if you enter a room and a clown is having a stroke? Close the door and go to /r/Eyebleach."

"TIL 90% of statistics are bullshit, including this one."

"Websites that automatically start playing music are like friends that awkwardly start giving you a massage."

"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."

"Sometimes I'll take such a good picture of someone I'm like ""this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral."""

"How does it feel to be a famous rock-and-roll musician? Fan-fucking-tastic!"

"What happens when you scare an old lady? Depends."

"One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it'll be fine. Better than fine, actually."

"Why do Christians like Swiss cheese? It's holey."