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Joke of the Day

"Who's the coolest guy at the hospital? The ultra sound guy. Who's the coolest guy when he's not around? The hip replacement guy."

"Why isnt Monica Lewinsky voting for Hillary? The last Clinton left a bad taste in her mouth."

"My boyfriend told me my stutter is cute I told him to f-f-f-fuck off"

"[bar closing time] Do you wanna come over to my place? Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah Ok hold on.. *dials phone* Mom? Can you pick me up now?"

"I'm so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones."

"Facebook is where you'll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting ""stupid""."

"My friend said her neighbors came into her restaurant for a book club, turns out it was for a BDSM club. . . I guess people bond over different things."

"If my ex had an autobiography it would be called ""Mein Cramps"" What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?"

"Doctor: we saved your dad but he's part owl now Son: Dad it's me Dad: *head turned 180* who Son: very funny Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too"

"What did the chicken say to the farmer Nothing, chickens don't speak English."