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Joke of the Day

"I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!"

"Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it's actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us."

"If Catholics are in a demonstration... ... Are they Protestants?"

"I'm surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn't incorporated into more American Holidays."

"Told my boss the salary I want when I move to California. Him: so you want the moon and all the stars too? Me: and Saturn."

"In no particular order = In exact order, but I don't want to piss off the people I put at the end."

"What's the last thing you want to hear when you're giving a blow job to Willie Nelson? ""I'm not Willie Nelson."""

"I am married to 4 different women And it's bigamy to admit it."

"What did the electrical engineer do when she found out that she hadn't won the lottery? She soldered on."

"Know how to get people to stop showing pictures of their kids? reply with ""Mmmm fuck yeah"""