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Joke of the Day
"What do you call it when an alcoholic stops drinking? A leave of absinthe."
Next Joke
"This is the rare tweet that history will look back on much more favorably than how it was received in its own time period."
"""Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out."" Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I'll prove you wrong."
"How does a Jew greet their friends? ""Challah!"""
"Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don't use words like ""East."""
"How do you get a bass player off of your porch? You pay for your pizza."
"How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb? How many did it take last year?"
"""What are you doing, idiot?"" me, to other drivers on the road ""What are you doing, idiot?"" me, to myself, in all other situations"
"How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it!"
"What's the worst thing a woman can hear after giving Willie Nelson a blow job? ""I'm not Willie Nelson."""