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Joke of the Day
"Alcoholics don't run in my family... They stumble around breaking things"
Next Joke
"The moral of ""The Three Little Pigs"" is ""make your house with bricks."" Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?"
"People always freak out when I start playing their kid like a bass. It's like chill, you can play him like a bass too once I finish the song"
"2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough. 2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!"
"It's impossible to touch your elbows behind your back. You just pushed your boobs towards me."
"Before handing your wallet and wife's necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman."
"My Russian friend came to visit me Vladislav? Baby Don't Hurt Me...."
"It's just an alarm clock Really, it is. http://imgur.com/tdZrIAB"
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather Not screaming in terror like his passengers"
"How should justice be brought about on criminal semites? By judge and jew-ry."