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Joke of the Day

"So my wife got a new sewing machine this week and I know what you guys are thinking.... ...sew what?"

"[at restaurant]] 8yo: why does mom eat half of your food? Me: because.. Wife *evil glare* Me *terrified* because I don't want it."

"What do you call a phantom by a campfire? A toasty ghosty"

"So embarrassing when the door's marked PUSH & you spend 5 minutes shattering all the glass"

"Why did the chicken cross the pathway? By doing so, he got to the other side. Romney 2012."

"Look, this is the only body I'll ever have and that is why I'm covering it in a thick layer of fat to protect it."

"Why did the condom fly across the room? It got pissed off!"

"Arteries have a special place in my heart"

"ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren't here THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know"

"Dear Garment Manufacturers: Short Shorts should not come in a size 16. Warmest Regards, People with eyes."