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Joke of the Day

"How do you make a Giraffe go to war? You Giraffed it"

"When I was a kid, hearing, ""Wow, you are really getting heavy"" used to make me beam with satisfaction..... But now I'm 35 and weigh 300 pounds, that shit has totally lost its appeal."

"I asked a French person why us Americans piss them off so much I couldn't really understand what he said but I'm pretty sure it was ""Blah blah blah, I'm French, I'm better than everyone."""

"What do you call a road that doesn't care about anyone? A psycho-path."

"Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?"

"The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered."

"My version of ""Free hugs"" is a sign hung around my neck that says ""Ewww, get the fuck away from me."""

"A lot of people make a big deal about age differences in couples. As far as I'm concerned a girl is fair game as soon as she's finished school. So usually at about 3:15"

"*Meninist meeting* WOMEN ARE EVIL- *phone rings* Uhh just a second... *picks up phone* Mom not while I'm doing my club! Yes, pizza tonight."

"Why does Gru speak with an accent? Because he's Arminion."