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Joke of the Day

"The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered."

"I used to have Osama Bin Laden as a contact. I removed him because he was blowing up my phone. Oh god this that was so shitty."

"Pizza Hut: May I take your order? Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian? Pizza Hut: Yes, but don't ever call me vegetarian again."

"Give a cat a box and he'll be happy for a day Teach a cat to box and start wondering what you're doing with your life"

"I used to date a girl with a lazy eye I broke up with her though, cos I'm pretty sure she was seeing someone on the side. Credit to /u/MoreMajorSins for this awesome dad joke!"

"My sexual fetishes my sexual fetishes have been getting more and more perverse ever so slowly. But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realized I had hit rock bottom."

"What do you call the cookbook of the dead? The Necrinom-nom-nomicon"

"The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked."

"What is the biggest key when moving a piano up a flight of stairs? Be sharp or Be flat."

"Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye."