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Joke of the Day

"Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you Me: he had dark hair- Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading"

"My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk."

"A white Russian walks into a bar The bartender says: we have a cocktail named after you. The Russian replies: do you have a cocktail named Vladimir?"

"Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag."

"I like telling science puns... Just to see the reaction..."

"what's better than roses on the piano? Tulips on your organ."

"I tried to blow a hair off my laptop screen so now there's some spit next to the hair."

"My wife sez that I'm too extravagant; that if anything ever happens to her I'll have to beg. I told her I'd be fine. I mean look at all the experience I've got."

"Are you afraid of quantum mechanics ? Dont worry, it's gonna be Feynman."

"Best part of cleaning the apartment is putting new magazines on the coffee table so you can look cultured for the guests you don't have over"