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Joke of the Day

"Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face."

"Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists."

"You're so pretty, you could be in a beer commercial."

"*visits new girlfriend's house for 1st time* ""Make yourself at home"" Great. Thanks! *I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*"

"I once swore in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels."

"Why did the girl fall out of the swing? Because she didn't have arms."

"Never underestimate the power of carefully worded nonsense."

"Why are fat people like relationships? Most of them don't work out."

"Him:You married? Me:Aww You think I'm that pretty? H:Ma'am just filling out your pape- M:SO I'M UGLY? H:I'll tell the therapist to hurry"

"Sorry I said your baby looks like the anti-Christ. I meant to say she looks like her mother."