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Joke of the Day

"Some women are born to make history.... I prefer the ones who get deleted from mine."

"Hey, NSA, if you're going to read them, would it kill you to star them?"

"Around me, girls tend to lie when they're drunk... Especially on their back"

"I'm emotionally unavailable but I make up for it by being completely unattractive."

"I'm watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me."

"You're the reason why women earn 75 cents to the dollar."

"I went outside for a minute and a bug touched me, so it looks like I'm back inside forever now."

"What's the difference between a penis and a vagina.. Unfortunately, in my case ... only 2 inches. :'("

"Two Muffins Two muffins are being put into an oven. The one muffin turns to the other muffin and says, ""Hey is it getting hot in here?"" The other muffins says, ""Holy shit a talking muffin!"""

"I'm at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier."